When my best friend sends me the screenshot of an article titled “Female masturbation can apparently open a ‘portal to hell’”, after the day I’d had, I’d jokingly replied with, “Guess who’s about to open ten thousand portals up in this bitch???”

I don’t expect the universe to actually call my bluff, and have my first mind-blowing orgasm in years rip open a literal portal in my bathroom. Now there are three fantastical beings in my home, and I don’t think they plan on leaving until they get what they want.

And what they apparently want is me.